Life is rarely what we wish it to be. We deal with stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and disappointment on a regular, if not daily, basis. At times it may seem appealing to reject, ignore, or even run away from reality. This is especially true when the unpleasant reality involves who we are as people. But true happiness and peace comes not from escaping life, but by embracing life through Acceptance.
When we accept ourselves and others we become empowered. We feel a greater sense of value, unity, well-being, and control. We gain the ability to change what we don’t like about ourselves without being weighed down with self-hatred or shame.
Acceptance isn’t easy, but it is possible.
Understanding Acceptance
Self-acceptance is being able to see yourself as you really are right now. This involves being candid with yourself about your weaknesses and the poor choices you have made in the past. Acceptance also means being candid with yourself about your strengths and the choices you are happy with. Acceptance requires recognizing both the good as well as the bad. Acceptance involves taking the time to see ourselves in our entirety. Through self-reflection we come to understand ourselves, appreciate that we are complex individuals, and that we cannot be defined by a single trait or action.
Why We Need to Accept Ourselves
You Have Value
Everyone deserves to be clearly seen and understood. That includes you. You have personality traits that will allow you to contribute to your family, to your friends, to society. There is a place for you, just as there is a place for all of us. At times you may be tempted to write yourself off as all bad or not worth the effort. But that is not the reality. You are a valuable person.
Unity of Self
No one is perfect. We all think and behave in ways that goes against our core values. Often this fractures us into a part that is overly, and unfairly, critical of ourselves—and a part that needs to be loved and forgiven. The result is that we go to war within ourselves. In this war there are no victories, only losses. Acceptance brings peace and self-unity. When we accept ourselves we recognize that it is possible to make mistakes, see areas for self-improvement, and be worthy of forgiveness and understanding.
Change is Possible
Often people think that if they accept and love themselves that means they will never change. But accepting yourself as your are now does not mean that you can’t be someone better down the road. It only means that you know where you are and can better plan a path to where you want to be.
You may believe that beating yourself up will motivate you to be better. But the truth is that punishment is a poor motivator, and does not lead to healthy or lasting change. Instead, cruel self-talk will most likely discourage you into denial, running away from problems, and being constantly angry with yourself. On the other hand self-acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness will encourage you to do better and be better—all while feeling better.
Carl Rogers wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, I can change”6 When we accept ourselves it frees us emotionally to clearly examine our behaviors and attitudes. We are then better able to see the multitude of possible behaviors we can adopt in the future.
Greater Well-Being
When we accept ourselves we can put aside our anger, guilt, frustration, sadness, and shame. We recognize that these feelings do not serve us, but hold us back. Furthermore, by accepting our past behaviors we obtain a greater sense of control—we no longer feel the insistent need to cover up, lie, or disguise reality. Instead we can embrace what has happened and that allows us to move forward.
Why We Need to Accept Others
People Have Value
Recognize that each member of your family, your significant other, each coworker, and each friend all have value and can contribute to your live in meaningful ways. Just as you are not defined by a single trait or interaction, so too are they dynamic people deserving of your understanding and forgiveness. Everyone, even those that are hard to get along with, have value.
You Don’t Need to Be a Rug
Acceptance in relationships does not mean allowing others to use you or neglect you. Instead, accepting another means taking them as they are and not trying to shape them into what you want them to be. It means being able to honestly talk about your needs and their needs. It means setting boundaries and working together to insure that each person feels safe and loved.
Accepting others also means sometimes choosing to end a relationship that is not meeting your needs or is harmful to you. Avoid the pitfall of thinking that everything will work out once that person changes. People can change but they must choose for themselves when and how they will change.
We Control Ourselves, Not Others
As we seek to accept others it is important to remember that while we can control and make choices for ourselves, we cannot control others. This can be frustrating at times, especially when others fail to validate or listen to us. All we can do is accept them for who they are and hope that they will accept us in return.
Fortunately you will likely find that as you increase your own self-acceptance you feel less frustrated and angry with others. Instead of feeling helpless because of other people’s choices you are able to feel empowered by your own ability to choose.
People Can Change
So how can you support other’s efforts to change? As indicated above, people have to choose for themselves to change. However that does’t mean that you shouldn’t communicate your own desires and needs. Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, are build on two-way communication and understanding. As you each work on accepting yourself and each other, you can cultivate your relationship. One that is built on mutual openness, honesty, and respect.
Remember that people are more likely to listen when they are being listened to. People are more likely to change when they feel accepted and validated. People are more likely to be honest and except accountability when they know they will receive unconditional understanding and love.
Accepting Difference
A major aspect of accepting others is accepting that people are different from you. Each person is unique in their thoughts and feelings. Each person sees the world from a slightly different view. But this isn’t a problem to solve, it’s an opportunity to expand our own way of thinking. When approaching differences, it is not helpful to think in terms of right or wrong. Instead you can try to understand how their way works and makes sense for them. Accepting differences are opportunities to create greater intimacy. Differences encourage us to learn and know each other on a deeper and more authentic level.
How We Embrace Acceptance
Accepting Pain
Accepting ourselves can be difficult and painful, especially when it comes to accepting faults. Allow yourself to sit with the pain and discomfort instead of pushing it away. Learning to do this takes time and practice, but by processing our thoughts and feelings completely we can achieve the greater well-being described above.
Accepting others can be difficult and painful too. This is true as your false preconceptions of that person gives way to the reality of who that person truly is. Although it maybe hard to accept, relationships with authentic people are always better, if not easier, than fantasy.
Perhaps that most painful aspect of acceptance is when we learn that someone has betrayed our trust. Regardless of whether we choose to move forward or end the relationship, sitting with the feelings helps us to articulate the grief and sorrow—and helps us to heal.
Self-Compassion
A key component of practicing acceptance is compassion. Having compassion means showing warmth and kindness. Warmth means that we aren’t indifferent to our struggles and problems. Kindness means we don’t condemn ourselves for being imperfect. Compassion involves giving comfort and care. Which isn’t passive, it takes time and intentional action. Compassion isn’t about making exceptions, it’s about obtaining understanding. Compassion extends to oneself and to others.
You may feel that showing yourself compassion means letting yourself off the hook or that it’s selfish. However the truth is that giving ourselves compassion provides the emotional safety needed to acknowledge our faults and frees up our resources to provide for others. Research shows people who are self-compassionate about their past mistakes are more likely to take personal responsibility for their misdeeds and try to repair the situation. And that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships.4
At times you will want to practice acceptance by putting aside your emotions to take a candor look at yourself. At other times you will sit with the pain your feeling. I strongly encourage you to end every practice of acceptance with compassion.
Moving Forward
As you practice acceptance you will see changes you wish to make in your life and in your behavior. This can be exciting as you see how your life can become better. But it can also become daunting. Part of acceptance is accepting that change takes time and effort—it won’t all happen overnight. Acceptance and change is a life-time endeavor. Exercising self-compassion and forgiveness is key. Remember that Acceptance isn’t a one time thing—it’s a continual process.
References
- Chelom, L. (2022). Acceptance for Self and Others: It Is What It Is. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-mindfulness/202209/acceptance-for-self-and-others-it-is-what-it-is
- Gupta. S. (2025). How to Embrace Self Acceptance. Verywellmind. https://www.verywellmind.com/self-acceptance-characteristics-importance-and-tips-for-improvement-6544468
- Grieger. R. (2013). Unconditional Self-Acceptance. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-purpose/201302/unconditional-self-acceptance
- Neff, K.D. (2022) Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Neff-2023.pdf
- Neff, K.D. What is Self-Compassion. Self-Compassion.org. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#what-is-self-compassion
- Rogers, C.R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Millfin.
- (“Greater self-acceptance,” 2016) improves emotional well-being. Harvard Health Publishing: Harvard Medical School. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/greater-self-acceptance-improves-emotional-well-201605169546